The days have been getting

The days have been getting better. I've enrolled a few people. I also talked to the Ms. a couple days ago. APPL is also in the green.

A Day Off

It is my day off. I did nothing all day. I helped my mother get her finances organized, but she does not seem to want to take it seriously. She knows she does not have any money, and yet she still wants to go out and spend. Sure she is spending on little things, but it is the little things here and there that add up to big things. The "little things" everyone spends their money on seem to break everyone's bank. I am trying to help her with that. She just does not get it.

As for my personal finances, everything is in order. My accounts are in the green, my bills are paid, and AAPL is doing well. However, my personal life is not as polished. I am still in ruins. Sure it is my day off from work, but what have I done? Nothing. I have plenty of homework to go around. And did I do it? No, I did not. There is nothing holding me up but myself. When I begin to think about working, I cringe. It is not the normal "have-to-start-working" cringe. It is more of an overwhelming feeling. What is so overwhelming about homework? I am not sure. But I feel as if I am suffocating. I feel as if I am having a claustrophobic attack. I don't know what it is. All I have to do is think about it and I begin to breathe irregularly. I can not quit though. I will not quit. Quitting shows weakness. I am not weak.

It is so frustrating to

It is so frustrating to feel so helpless. I don't know what else to do. I feel so lost. What am I missing?

The thought is more of

The thought is more of a threat than ever before. Maybe I am ready to try something different. But that would make me a quitter.

It is a new day.

It is a new day. I am so weak. I feel like giving up.

Ready to Give

It's a new day and here I sit at the University again. It's as if I am stunned; I am not able to do anything. I get started and my mind just stops working. I seem to be very easily distracted. I cannot focus for more than a couple of minutes. It is very frustrating. There is a lot of work to be done, and yet, I cannot do anything. My team is depending on me, and yet, I cannot do anything. I feel so helpless. So lost. I do not know what to do. I try and try, but nothing seems to be working. As I am writing this, I seem to be lost in my thoughts. Even when writing about nothing, I distracted and lose focus.

There are so many thoughts going through my head right now. I feel so overwhelmed. I am ready to give up. My finances are doing so well; AAPL is up another 3.7%, and I just received the first part of my enlistment bonus. However, the rest of my life is not so well. Piece by piece it is falling apart. I want to give up. I feel as though I am already fading away. I do not know what to do. I am so lost.

Haywired

So here I am sitting at the University TRYING to do homework. For some reason I cannot focus. There are no distractions, I have my text available, my to-do list in front of me, and my assignment on screen (obviously not anymore), and yet I just cannot get myself to focus in on this task. As soon as I try to think about completing the assignment, my mind goes haywire. I begin to think of other things: stressful things. I begin to think about financial issues; work issues; Army issues; overall schedule conflicts; what I need to do today, tomorrow, and the next day; and everything else not related to the assignment. Some days I just feel like giving up. Some days I just feel like quitting school and working full-time. That would be one less thing to think about.

But I cannot quit. I enrolled into Phoenix to get my degree. I need to get my degree. If I do not get my degree, I might as well throw my dreams of working on Wall Street out the window. I might as well go back to working as a car salesman. I would probably do that for the rest of my life anyway, so while I'm at it, let me get discharged from the military. They say the best roads are the toughest ones. The most turbulent river leads to the beautiful, limitless oceans. The calm streams lead to a small, limited pond. I hope my boat will survive the turbulent river.

The only sure thing is that AAPL ended in the green again.

The Aftermath

It has been awhile since I have been here. But I find that with each new day I am suffocated more and more. Sometimes it feels like I cannot breathe anymore. A lot of things have happened, some of them not so good.

The time at BCT and AIT went by pretty fast. I actually enjoyed my time out there. In BCT, I made many friends (all male-type). I learned the basics. I learned how to soldier. In AIT, I had the time of my life. I met some of my favorite people. I made many friends. I broke out of my shell. In a sense, I became a different person. I was much more open and accepting. I changed my perspective on life. I also developed a passion for fitness. I think I can say that I miss AIT; I do not miss being on a TRADOC post, but I do miss the people there and the fun times we had.

Towards the end of AIT, I heard bad news about the dealership. I knew before I left that bad things were happening, but I did not know so soon. Apparently they will be closing down soon; they are already in the process. Hearing this news, I decided to apply for other jobs. Now I am a fitness counselor. I am still in Sales, however I am now changing people's life. I bring people into the gym, which seems to be a necessity for many.

I also work at my new unit once a month. It is very different from what I expected. I drive about 1 hour to 1.5 hours to Dublin. There I perform the duties that are assigned to me. I actually like the people I work with. My NCO and CO are great people that I look forward to working with more and more. Currently, I am required to find two weeks of next month to devote to my unit. This seems to be one of the most difficult tasks for me. I have just started my new job and now I have to leave for two weeks. I have mentioned this to my manager and he showed very negative signs. But I cannot help it.

I have also started school again. I find it hard to get back into the groove. I am only on my second week and already I am very behind. Finding enough time seems to be a delicate balancing act in which I have yet to master. It is because of this fault that I have also lost one of the most important things of my life: the love of my life. I simply could not give her the time that she deserved. Between the Army, work, school, my love life, and my social life, there is not enough time to go around. And so I pay dearly for it.

In other news, I have dropped all other stocks but AAPL. I am still tracking them, but AAPL is my stock of choice. Jim Cramer seems to have a bearish view, however, I will keep it for the long run.

So here alone I sit. All I am trying to do now is to make money. Maybe one day she will come back to me. Until then, I will just stick to my money.